Taking over the Asylum...

Okay, first of all, I'm not in Penarth anymore. Since July 1st I'm offically a member of the German Army.

And fter watching Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith I got a bunny attack. A major bunny attack.
Hence I watched Star Wars IV today. Oh, the bunny...
It's a twisted-roles AU.
What if Senator Organa and his wife had adopted Luke and Leia had ended up on Tatooine?
MWAH! The muse has gone crazy - and I luffs it! <3

Possibly because I was busy.

• First of all, I have the job. I'll spend the 12 months following the 26th of March in Penarth, Southwales. Mainly I'll have to look after/care for the 4yo son of the family I'm staying with, and do some housework. On the weekends I'll run through Cardiff like a headless chicken.


• Then I spent the past week helping out on a local trade fair for the dive "centre"/shop. Hard days where I spend 12 hours out of the house and on my feet. It's hard if you're not used to it and I spent the first two days in total and utter pain. But the military had a booth at the fair as well. And there was (next to the 40.000ltr diving aquarium) a very cold 250m² pool. The mine divers from the military had a show in the afternoon which involved a sample training. Who volunteered to take part? Dave volunteered me. For 10-20 push-ups, 2 laps in the pool, diagonal sit-ups, 2 laps, lying down/getting up and sometimes another 2 laps. D'you know what the guy announcing the exercise said on Saturday? "Today's International Women's Day, I still want to see twenty [push-ups]!"
  But all this led to me wearing my military merchandise watch again (though a little water got in during the swimming) and I have an appointment for re-applying next Tuesday. I still think getting away for 12 months is the right thing for me. And maybe I needed to be turned down to grasp this chance. Who knows, maybe I'll get the job July 09. Maybe I'll find something else in the next 12 months. But right now I'm alive.


• About Torchwood: Kill Gwen/Jack and do more Jack/Ianto. Even the Gwen/Jack shippers start to get annoyed by the totally blunt and unnecessary Gwen/Jack subplot. Hell, if Ianto wasn't so darn cute this season (and the end of the first) and they hadn't killed any subtleness in "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" I might consider some Gwen/Jack. But if Gwen makes any more "Fuck me on your desk - never mind Rhys, Ianto can make it look like an accident!" eyes at Jack, I'll find RTD and each and every writer on the show to kick their (proverbial) balls *personally*.

First:
My getting out of the country is getting more real by the minute. I've applied for an au pair position in the region of Cardiff and already talked to a possible host mother. Somehow I think it's very close to a "you have the job" but touch wood.

Second:
I was thinking... should I have told Leigh from the agency or my possible host mum about me being a lesbian (right now I feel a little less inclined to men then sometimes)?

I just thought about it, because I was contemplating about whether my OC should have a determined sexuality (boy- or girlfriend) at the end or during "Dystopia". That reminded me of the HP-story that basically had Harry grow up and at the end he revealed he had a boyfriend or something of the likes and then I thought about Dumbledore. How somehow it was logical for him (main character but old and later dead) to be gay, in the end.
And then I thought how Dumbledore had been played by Ian McKellen (SIR Ian McKellen, sorry) in my head, anyway.
That led to "Anything Goes" and how, according to Barrowman and my memory, McKellen is even more open/public about his sexuality.

Well, I just decided that it didn't matter. If someone would ask if I am single or something like that I'd tell them I have a girlfriend. All this speculation and justifying are not for me.
Okay, of course I'd like to know who the closeted actor from New York 1989 (?) was, but that's just because I'm nosey. Not because I'm a sucker for the scandal of someone being gay.

Third:
I totally write too many Doctor Who/Torchwood alternate universes which I never finish. Twin-'Verse, Twin-'Verse AU, Twin-'Verse AU the second, "Last of the Time Lords" amnesia AU, "Last of the Time Lords" human!TARDIS amnesia AU, "Last of the Time Lords" Torchwood AU, "Dead Man walking">"A day in death" AU (since I refuse to acknowledge the unlogic of ADID - and Owen/Ianto is hot!), Torchwood historical AU, several DW Ten/Five things...

Fourth:
A storm outside. Nevertheless cat went out hunting. Came back with a mouse. An hour later? Cat goes out again, comes back with another mouse. Now. Her appetite must have been bigger than her stomach because now we have most of the organs of a mouse on our carpet. Again. Did I mention it's oriental and wool?

I might get away (= out of the country), though. I need two references and the two people I mailed about them (on Saturday) haven't written back, yet. I might get Anja to fake one for me. *fg*
But I'd need a teacher and if neither of the two I've mailed to respond... I have two weeks at the most, I think.

I hope that, at least, my book ("Anything Goes!") will arrive today. And I can meet up with Anja.

Did I mention my life is boring?

My life is somewhat complicated.
I got quite discouraged by the usual "You need to do something to support yourself later in life" and turned it in my head to, "I should earn money right now instead of still living with my Mum".
Well, I dreamed something about me wanting to learn Hamlet by heart - just in case - and somehow Alan Rickman was involved, too. *yay*
Anyway. Got to tell Mum that I want to go to London. That would be so cool if they'd have me...
I really enjoy the thrill, the tension, the fun - and going out on stage to act. I'm not sure where I'd want to go, theatre or new media... both'd be fine with me.

"Here" is relative on the internet, though.

I was at Tanja's from Saturday till today. I was in a traffic jam for 2-3 hours, it took me 4 hours to cover a distance of 165km of mostly motorway.
But we had fun. Very much. Much fandom related.
I really needed a bit of time away from myself. And I got me some advice for my relationship matters. From someone who's been there and resolved quite some problems, I think.
Okay, how'd you know I was reading Tanja's copy of "Anything Goes"? XD

Anyway, I'm not as pathetic as to base my decisions on someone's biography. I just skipped through the pages, read a few chapters. It was nothing particular that I read, nothing earth-shatteringly deep or meaningful or spot-on. I was laughing my ass off at a "Meat"(?)-blooper (pigeon flattering through warehouse and shitting on Captain Jack's coat), some "Countrycide" "behind the scenes" (oh, I really want to work with the Torchwood cast&crew if they always party that hard), some second season spoilers and it was just... well.
The next morning I woke up and over breakfast I knew I was kidding myself. Nothing between me and my beloved really changed that much. I had to cope that I couldn't change because again something I had worked for just so hard for didn't work out. Currently I have no idea what I want to do. The Stamford test didn't help me much:

Medical - Chemistry Based
General Medical
Art/Craft
Modern Languages
English/Literary Studies
Drama/Theatrical
Combined Sciences

Is it right for me to challenge my livelong wish of becoming a doctor? Right now I'm not sure Medical things are for me. On the other hand, how arrogant is it to expect a "bam!" and I know what I'll do and I'll have the best job I could imagine for the rest of my life.
Ah, well, I never cared.
I need a "bam!". There is much I could do, I'm not stupid, just a bit lazy. The thing is just that I can't stuff I don't want to do.

So, here a longer, somewhat important entry that I'm not going to take to LJ (and it might be a bit longer entry).
Subject is my girlfriend. I'm not posting to LJ because I've met her over LJ and as far as I know she never comes over to my IJ account. A bit unfair, maybe, posting about her? I need to talk to someone, though, and I'm not going to say anything mean. Basically I just want to talk about my own feelings.

State Quo: We met over 2 years ago, through a mutual LJ friend, became soon friends ourselves and Christmas '05 it hit us both very hard. Equivalent of cupid bitch-slapping you or something. We always lived 200km apart, now she is on a exchange semester in Spain.

Her birthday was 3 days ago. I could go on about how I haven't seen her online since before that and haven't gotten a reply to my best wishes to her, never mind, that's not the topic here.

Topic is that I'm confused. And afraid. Am I still in love with her or not? Am I as long as I'm worrying that I'm not?
I want to see her more often, but she's in Spain, I'm not. I'm not sure where I'll be in 2 months time. Honestly, I'm not sure where I am now. Or where I should go. I picked my dream just out of reach and ran, but I missed it - for good. I tackled the next thing, not that I'm believing in it anymore.
What I'm holding onto, right now, is my honest wish that everything's going to change. How, when, why... no idea.
So far everything always changed. Just never the bits I wanted to change. According to theory of probabilities it has to change in my favor some day.

Sometimes I'm getting angry, at her, at it all. Sometimes I don't care. I don't know which is worse.

Basically I'm afraid of the future, too. Where to, now? Military is out of the equation, medicine seems so redundant to me now, acting would kill me after a few years (or drive me insane).

I want to get away from it all and change it. I want to start over. Go somewhere nobody knows me, blank page, new life. That's why I hope to get a place at University away from home. I'd have to leave Anja (really good friend who knows people who do Doctor Who cakes) and Mum and the cat behind, I might end up farther away than 200km... oh. And sports. We have a great coach (bit of track&field) and I would have to leave that behind. That's sad.
Anyway. I'm sick of it all. I don't want to pick up grandma's VCR with her tonight, don't wanna... wanna have to deal with my sister anymore.

Life feels so unreal now, including my sweetheart. I think I need a break from my break.

( for spoilers - live covering, as always )

I. Has. Wifi!

Okay, I didn't go rip the kernel apart, plunge my hands into its pulsing, warm coding to get what I need... but I got someone to help me with it. He was so great. He told me what I had to do and it worked perfectly.

So, Linux, I heart you.

And happy Torchwood Day to all of you! (I need one of the "know-it-all" icons. You know what I mean...)

Grandma broke the VCR. Well, maybe she didn't maybe it was the tape. But really... okay. She's turning 70 this summer, she's doing great for a woman that age. Still.
I'm fine with it when she phones me to get the number of the guy who sold us the VCR. It's fine if she asks me if maybe I have an idea what's going on.
What I'm not fine with is her asking me if I'd come along bringing that VCR to the seller so he can repair it. Of course I'd have to go with her, once she has to go out there - simply because there'd be complains and I value my conscience.
Even though: "Conscience doth make cowards of us all." Well, yeah. If you say so, Willy. But this coward at least can hold onto the prospect that I might be gone by April.

Urgh. And just now I got a phone call from some health insurance who tried to lure me into disclosing my address or something so they could pester me about getting my insurance from them later.
1) You can't intimidate me. I'm a very honest and polite person, but I learned my lessons - and that means sometimes you got to be rude and lying. Whatever they're offering, I already have it - and mine's bigger and better anyway.
2) I'm very happy with my insurance. They paid for my braces and general anesthesia when my wisdom teeth had to come out. My family (Mum, sister and me) easily get back 150€ through their preventive measures program. Although I'm over 18 they pay part of my optional immunization.

EDIT:
Hah, found out (while I was looking for the thing to change back from that honeycomb design to the old one) that it was firefox's fault my userpics wouldn't show up during posting. Thank god I do have a second account (fictionjournal) so I saved that username and pw as well and everything's working fine now.
Honeycomb revised is not as much revised as that it's not trying to get to the root folder before going to links. Very intelligent. I had to go back to insanejournal.com everytime before I could use any menu-links with it.

I love Linux. No wifi, yet, no proper graphic tablet, yet, the files I want to load into the videoediting software are corrupted...
But every day I can use something like sudo gedit /etc/thisandthat/blah.conf is much love!

And I had a mean idea for Twin-'Verse. I'll let Sarah-Jane run into my little, happy family...

Still, why IJ taunts me so and doesn't let me use the update-section is beyond me. I go on to that page, I'm logged in, the next moment I'm still logged in but the "Username" and "Password" fields appear over the "Date" field...

I had Dalek-cake. Two times in a row now. And I'm invited for TARDIS cake on Monday. There's so much cake, so little time!

... yay! Fixed grandma's computer yesterday (godfather send her many megs of attachments and her Outlook tried to download that over a dial-up - set it to download headers if mails are bigger than 3000kb and the "offensive" mails could be deleted) and helped her buy/plug in a second-hand VCR and she gave me 20 bucks for it! YAY!
So, I can pay back that 35 bucks I still owe Tanja for Hamlet tickets. And I won't be all that bankrupt as I thought I would be.

I handed in an application for a temporary job three weeks ago. I didn't get around to, but I'll phone them tomorrow morning and ask what's up. I want and need a job. I could, basically, afford Stratford (and Cardiff. OMG, CARDIFF!) with just the allowance from my Mum, but I wouldn't be me if I wanted it to be like that...

Hm, somehow insanejournal doesn't like me that much. It doesn't let my change my userpic when posting, only afterwards.

And my computer somehow ate my Rogue Traders albums... oo (And my versions of "Highland Cathedral" don't really sound like it anymore...)

A "I'm going to post much more, I promise!" posts.

Anyway. Switched to Linux (Ubuntu 7.10 Gutsy Gibbon) and everything works fine, save for the wi-fi. Looks like everyone gets a zd1211-based chipset up and running - and it should be right there, out of the box, in my kernel! - but me.
At least the updates fixed the issues of me not being able to use the restricted nVidia driver that would make my screen resolution go to the proper size. Ubuntu wouldn't let me use anything above 1024x768, when I have a wide screen that works best under 1280x800 (for me).

If I find out if my SD-cardreader and cd/dvd drive works properly everything's set but my wi-fi. And when I need that so much!
Currently I'm sitting on the first floor, my room's on second floor, living room on the ground floor.

Okay, I'll be working on my Torchwood alternate universes ("Torchwood Manor" and the pirate tale) and my Doctor Who alternate universe (Twin-'Verse), see you.

I know. I should post more often. But then I don't find the time and so on and so forth.

Tidbit about my life. Well... uhm... ah! Just found out that where the cat scratched me I have scars now. Great. Everyone who knows my history (and doesn't know my cat's dislike of Jehova's Witnesses) will think I'm lying. Better not talk about it then.

bbc.co.uk/torchwood is still out of bounds for "nonuk"-ers (ask nonuk.shtml) and it's still driving me crazy. I love Torchwood. The start into the new season was brilliant, given it's the second season.
The ToS say, that my Paradox Machine CaseMod is against the ToS of the bbc.cu.okco.uk wibbley wobbley, webby debby... stuff.
Fine. Keep your shitty gallery to yourself, then!

I want to cry, I want to throw up, I want to... gah!
Well, my girlfriend is in Spain, feeling bad. Doesn't help me feel better... T_T

[x] My tonsils are acting up. Or rather, the right one. And I have that strange taste in my mouth all the time. Like that half-foul taste you sometimes have in the mornings.

[x] My baby gets picked up tomorrow. I will be notebook-less for at least two weeks.

[x] I'm going to be away from Saturday till Saturday. Diving in Croatia. (Reduces actual notebook-less-ness to one week...)

[x] I still have to copy all my entries from LJ...

[x] I will miss chatting with planetkiller

I just sent an e-mail.
Because just a few hours ago I started to wonder whether I could study in the UK. Now I sent the e-mail asking how my Abitur would translate into A-Levels and if I would stand a chance if I applied for studying Medicine.

( Letter to Santa )

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